


A Lake Hides Behind The Forest

by doucheking



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Androgynous Merlin, Bullying, Emotional Hurt, High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doucheking/pseuds/doucheking
Summary: Merlin's life is breaking apart at the seams. He used to be happy once, but something in him has changed. His family won't talk to him, his only friend can't stop worrying about him and the bullies in school won't leave him alone. He gets bruises in places he never remembers injuring, and bright colors have started to hurt his eyes.And always in his dreams, a woman's voice, calling his name.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 117





	A Lake Hides Behind The Forest

There are nights, quiet as they always must be, when Merlin will drown in his sleep. It is ungentle, but it does not last long; only three to four seconds in the fourth hour of morning. The water rushes into his lungs like a waterfall, dragging him down like a manacle into the deep, down, down, down....

And his chest is small and his body chokes, his torso rises, like a terrible arch, almost mangled, his eyes burst open, flash freezing yellow and in that very moment, between the hours of morning and suspended, drowning death, the gates open and he hears her. 

Deep in the forest, two miles from life, something glows back in response. It hums, silent like gravity, the light sharp and blue. It lights the deep shadows for only a breath, sputtering ghost light on the trees but just as suddenly, the wick flickers out. Nobody stands witness.

Merlin wakes up in the morning, and remembers nothing. Only a slight, trembling pain in his chest and the memory of a dream, a woman's voice, calling his name, plague him throughout the day.

➽➽➽

Hunith's sigh is barely audible over the loud crunching of cereal, and the murmuring voices of three women talking about medieval folk customs.Its Hunith's favorite podcast, and Merlin secretly enjoys it too, though he still pretends to complain about it sometimes. It's familiar to their morning routine, and helps him calm down for school.He hasn't been sleeping well lately.

What?" Merlin mumbles through a mouth full of apple crumbs. "Did you say something?"

Hunith looks back at him with her usual, fond tiredness. The wrinkles around her eyes have wrenched in deeper, and she carries herself like her body has started to weigh her down. Merlin had accepted "work" as an excuse in the beginning, but now he thinks he may have to push harder. 

The thing is, he understands.

He swallows messily and puts his spoon down, frowning at his mother. "What is it?"

Hunith sighs again, and rests her knuckles on her cheek. "When did you stop wearing color? You used to love blue."

Merlin startles. He looks down at himself instinctively. Dusky jeans, sweater a few shades darker. Black hair, pale skin. The only thing that glints on his body is a silver piercing, nestled in the fold of his upper left ear. Hunith had agreed sportingly enough but she threw it sharp, suspicious looks from time to time, like it was an alien. It was supposed to bring his protruding ears back in focus with his face, but it just made him look even more of a dandy.

Merlin smiled, and it crinkles his eyes. "I suppose I look like a witch." He'd heard worse things shouted at him from behind or whispered quietly as he passed by, the stranger's mouth drawn back in a mean snigger.

Hunith's expression freezes, and evens out so quickly Merlin blinks. Her smile is awkward. "No! You look...uh..rad? I just meant, it would be nice, you know? Changing things up a little." 

Merlin looks down, then back up at her. The teasing grin he sends her comes a little late, but Hunith pretends not to notice. "Let off, Mum. You know cats cross the street when they see me coming? All I need is a broom and a hat and I'll be set to disappear in the forest forever."

Hunith laughs, but it doesn't sound sincere.

➽➽➽

Merlin trudges to school, buried under a bulky, black coat, only a red nose peeking out to taste the air. Winter mornings like this are sacred to him. The cold is brittle, and stings like the edge of a steel knife but it is the silence, the absolute absence of noise that Merlin worships-his hall of prayer. It allows him to step outside of his body and into a certain, sweet nothings, his mind in meditation on the black road, the vapour shapes of his misty breath, the lull of the wind and in the straining edge of his hearing, the brushing whisper of snow melting from trees and falling, falling quietly on to the ground.

Merlin stops, and looks up. It is colourless, a carcass of a sky, the blue bled dry and out of it months ago. It hangs gray and empty and you used to love wearing blue, didn't you Merlin?

Something rustles in the darkness of the forest. 

Merlin’s leg pauses in midstep, but he doesn’t look.The shadow looms, spreading like smoke around the edge of his vision, a slithering sound….

Merlin whips his head around, stumbling back, heart speeding. But there is nothing. As it had always been. Just the bare, brown gloom of the cold under bush, and long branches blocking the blackness of the forest. 

“What is happening to me?” Merlin whispers to himself. He fumbles with his messenger bag, hands shaking, pawing around for his inhaler. Is he going mad? Is his mind eroding to some disease that was surfacing in patches, loosening the sanity he was so desperate to cling to?

A car engine rumbles in the distance, cracking the quiet like a gunshot. A dog barks. Merlin jumps, eyes wide, before he mutters a quiet, “get a grip, Merlin.” The fear dissolves like snow and he sighs again, feeling suddenly very tired, and his shoulders sag. He thinks about his bed, about his half-eaten bag of gummy bears, his abandoned sketches cluttering the room like white moths and wonders if school is really necessary today. Hunith wouldn’t notice and he so dearly needs to sleep.

A blast of music, growing louder. It is jarring, a steamboat in a dead sea, and Merlin harrumphs. Who on earth? Theirs is a small town, and something like this wouldn’t go over well with the neighborhood association.

He doesn't realize how quickly the car is accelerating.

The car's engine roars as it whips around the corner, music blasting from the windows, and Merlin gasps and stumbles back, his waist missing the car's rear view mirror only by a small margin. The shock makes him fall down and gawp. 

Laughter trails after the car, mixed in with the music. An arm shoots out of the window and even finds the time to flip him off.

Suddenly, Merlin is angry.

Rage burns through his vein, sliding up from his arm and into his chest. Merlin springs up to his feet and shouts back at the retreating vehicle.

"Watch the live human, you complete lunatic!”

But the car is already out of sight, and his words slice only wind.

His eyes fill. He doesn't know why. He collapses down on his haunches, face buried in his hands, and doesn’t look up for a while.

➽➽➽

".....third earthquake this month, I don't know what the fuck’s happening..."

"....heard Morgan's back in town, brought back some of his friends too..."

"....and you aren’t really listening are you, Merlin?”

Merlin turns his head away from the board where he had been staring at for the past five minutes, even though Mrs. Henson is nowhere near it. She’s huddled into her desk, occupied with what she calls ‘housekeeping.’ Merlin had been staring at the window, even though it reflects a paltry view, because he had wanted to let the cold in. The heat of bodies swelters, tinging the natural cool of the classroom with a strange damp, humidity, It suffocates him. The back of his head is aching slightly.

“What?” Merlin asks stupidly.

Will’s sneer is disdainful, but his eyes tell a different story, flickering from his protruding collarbones to the bruised blue of his eye bags. “What’s wrong with you lately? You’re fading into a skeleton.” His eyes flick down to Merlin’s nails, painted ebony black. “You don’t really need to commit to the goth look that hard, you know. I don’t want to raise my best friend from the dead every time I want to hang out.”

Merlin smiles cheekily, “Oh, only for you to talk my ear off about how pretty Selena Waters is? Thanks, but I’ll rather be dead.”

Will sputters, and turns red. Merlin spends the rest of the class teasing Will mercilessly and Will thankfully forgets to follow through.

➽➽➽

Merlin wishes he could tell Will the truth. He’s his only friend and better yet, a true one. He refuses to leave his side even on the days when the whispers in the hallway are meaner, ever-ready to fight back on his behalf, even though Will is not particularly large or tall. Will is brave, and loyal, and fierce. Merlin wants to grab Selena Waters by the shoulders and tell her that no fortune and beauty would ever compare to the honor of owning such a heart as Will’s. 

But Will is only human, and this, whatever this is, is not normal. Merlin can only imagine Will’s expression when Merlin tells him that he doesn’t paint his nails for the effect, but because his nails are rotting, and keep falling off. Bright colors hurt his eyes, and only darkness soothes. Loud sounds and too many people trigger his heartbeat way too easily. He keeps bruising in places on his body he doesn’t remember injuring, and he knows that he has nightmares, but of what, he doesn’t know. Only an echo of vague, rippling images remain with him on waking, slipping in and out of his consciousness like grey ribbons, and the voice, always the same,mournful barge, calling him from a distance.

Merlin is locked behind a bathroom stall, vomiting. Blood tainted with what seems like black tar pours out of his mouth and hits the porcelain bowl. Merlin vomits again.

Was it the chicken? Merlin wonders wryly as his stomach stops trying to wring itself from the inside out. Small beads of sweat litter his forehead and he rests his head against his palm, leaning on the side wall. What will Hunith say? But she doesn’t really see him anymore. Her gaze loses focus when she looks at him, fluttering away like a butterfly. And Gaius, Gaius is never there...

Merlin pushes shakily to his feet. Pushing the door open, he stumbles to the sink and splashes some water on his face. Will is right. His reflection looks like a skull, skin sticking to his bones for dear life, a phantom captured between the mirror and the whitewashed walls.

The old door hinge shrieks as its twists itself open, and loud chatter trails inside. Merlin stiffens, but he doesn’t react. He never reacts.

Shoes scratch, then a pause, as they spot him, then the sound of water gushing into a sink.

“I heard he’s super mad at his old man,” A loud, gruff boy snickers. Water splashes. “And he’s ready to empty out their bank account if that’s what it takes.”

“Really cocked-up the whole parenting thing with him, didn’t they?” A second voice replies, and they laugh. They’re ignoring him. Good. Merlin’s shoulders relax slightly.

“Who cares. Free booze is free booze. Good thing he went and invited the whole bloody town.”

The second voice is full of wonder. “Bloody legend,”

“Batshit, that’s what he is.”

Merlin wipes his face on his sleeves, and slips behind them to leave. Of course, he’s just at the door when they add-

“I hope emo faggots don’t mistake it for an invitation. Nobody wants them there.”

➽➽➽

Merlin sleeps. He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. Sleep is respite, sleep is safe. It’s become his true mother, unfolding him into her always welcoming arms, crooning him sweetly into forgetfulness. It might be true that he always wakes up more exhausted than he was when he went to sleep, but it is a price he is ready and willing to pay. Food, even friendship, pale in comparison to oblivion.

The first time Merlin’s eyes open, he screws them shut again and manages one more hour of stubborn sleep. When he can’t manage it anymore, and reality becomes too persistent to be ignored, he grudgingly lifts his head and blinks in the darkness.

Something watches him.

It’s 12:04 AM. The shadows swirl merrily, even though a strip of light is visible beneath his closed door. Hunith is still awake. Shall Merlin call her?

But his voice won’t come out. The darkness convulses, and it creeps. Closer? Merlin can’t tell. His voice won’t come out.

Not again. Please.

In one, quick dash, Merlin lunges up and flicks the lamp switch on. Yellow light floods the room, and the darkness empties out. 

Merlin is alone again. Again? What does that mean? Had something been there in his room with his room? No. No. It’s just his imagination.

Just a child spooking at shadows.

He walks rigidly, refusing to indulge his fears and peek over his shoulder. He’s better than this, he has to be better than this. TV noise pours out into the hallway and Merlin follows it blindly. Everything has been wrong lately. Their life feels like a paper mache house, picture-perfect and brightly painted in the beginning but as time batters against it like waves against the rocks, the house feels its walls collapsing, giving in, falling away. Dolls outside of time, cursed statutes with painted smiles, unable to move or blink as the water floods and the level keeps rising beneath their feet.

But this time, Merlin will be honest. He will try to tell her that something terrible is happening to him. Something grotesque eats at him and he knows, because it's swallowing his dreams, swallowing his awareness, deleting him. Or maybe he’s just going insane? Merlin doesn’t know. Maybe better people will have better answers. They don’t have a lot of money but maybe Gauis can pitch in a little bit, which naturally, Merlin will promise to pay back as soon as he is able. Maybe they can muster up enough, enough to get Merlin the medical attention he so desperately needs, enough to drive away the haunted look from Hunith’s eyes.

The sole of his foot presses against the rough carpeting of the floor. He hears low murmuring beneath the TV static, followed by a strange keening, a sound that makes his hair stand. He strains his ears further, and shock bursts into his half-asleep reveries, slamming him back into consciousness.

Hunith is sobbing.

He opens the door gently. They don’t notice. The room is dark, and the television light falls lightly on their bodies. Hunith is rocking slightly in Gaius’s arms, face buried in his shoulder. Gaius’s own face sags with bitter grief.

“Oh Gaius…..” Hunith moans, and her cries are almost musical, rolling slow and deep, winds of a barren moor, “Oh Gaius….I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, help me, oh Albina, someone help me…”

“Hunith, please.” Gaius rocks her, head on her hair, voice broken. “Do not give up faith yet. Please. I am trying, I-”

“You’ve been trying for seventeen years, Gaius.” Hunith sobs harder. “Seventeen years! Can’t you see it doesn’t matter anymore? He will not come and I will have to watch Merlin die in front of my very eyes. My...poor...baby….” Her voice peters out, body shuddering with the force of her grief. It hits Merlin like a wave, and he takes one step back. Two. Then three.

So she knew.

“We will not have to watch him suffer long.” Gaius’s words are thin, weak little things. They evaporate. They are not consolation, only escape from the all-consuming pain. “It will only be a matter of time, Hunith. This…” Air leaves him, and his body seems to give up too. How many secrets hide inside this many, how many lies has he already told Merlin? “This will all be over soon.”

Merlin walks out of the house, barefoot. He doesn’t look back.

➽➽➽

Merlin walks blindly. Cold seeps into his feet and inside his body like fresh poison, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.

Hunith’s scattered presence, Gaius’s complete absence. When had it all gone so wrong? They had been happy once. When did he first notice the fault lines, sneaking into his life like flies, curdling his sanity until he had felt like an impostor hiding in his own body, a schizophrenic swinging on a thin rope, a plummet away from the shadows?

But they had known that something was wrong with him. And they were going to let him die for it.

He hears thunder, and looks up.

“Great.” Merlin mutters. “This is just what I need.”

He walks on. 

The forest is dark, but the trees are not dense, so moonlight easily helps him find his way. Silvery light trails through the branches like a stream-a twisting, moving path that almost seem to be leading him on. He has nowhere else to go, so he follows silently.

Time passes, but Merlin trudges on. He doesn’t think, because when he does, he only wonders about Hunith and feels betrayed. He wonders if it’s going to rain. He worries about catching a cold for a moment, and then laughs.

He’s shivering something awful by the time he spots the trees clearing up ahead, and hurries forward. He’s always loved meandering through the forest pointlessly, a haven away from home, but he hasn’t been this way before. Something whispers,sweet and low, and it’s not the wind. There is no wind here. Strange.

There, in the distance, the tree line abruptly stops. Something glimmers in the gloom.

Merlin’s teeth jitter. The frostbite has numbed his feet, but his legs keep moving. 

The ground falls open, and Merlin steps out on a small, beaten cliff. A beautiful lake sleeps beneath.

Merlin stares.

It is lovely, a pool of moonlight hemmed in by black earth and trailing branches, a sprawling mirror reflecting back the green, murky beauty of the forest. It ripples gently with the wind, but is mostly still.

Merlin didn’t know their town had a lake. He had never heard it mentioned once. Gruff men didn’t talk fishing in their town, nor did teenagers of cold dips in the summer. Yet, there it stood, true as anything. Merlin shakes his head in wonderment, and a small smile manages to work up to his face. He feels some of his anger give way to hope. A secret of his own, a secret unrelated to his death. He’d like that.

The sky rumbles suddenly.

“Shit.” Merlin looks up again. “It’s gonna spew.” He hugs his shoulders, trembling from head to toe. Anger loses, and fear takes its place. What was he thinking? No coat, no shoes, and his feet will certainly will have to be amputated, he cannot feel them anymore-

A growl.

Merlin closes his eyes.

“No.” He says. “No. Don’t think about it. Don’t pay any attention to it. It’s just your imagination, it’s just your sick mind playing nasty, little tricks-”

The wind howls louder, but he knows that shadow. It’s behind him. Always watching. Always waiting.

“What do you want from me?” Merlin’s voice cracks. “Leave me alone.”

A loud crackle in the undergrowth, the sound of a footstep on damp leaves.

Merlin flinches violently, whirling around, heart beating violently in his chest. It’s here, it’s going to take him, it’s going to take him-

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

It’s a man, who scurries back from Merlin, staring back at him in utter horror. “What the fuck are you?”

Merlin stares, dumbstruck.

More rustling, more crackling, The sound of more footsteps. “What the fuck, Harper?” from a distance.

“Harper’s scaaarred of the dark,” A feminine voice sings out, followed by more laughter.

“You scared the living daylights out of me!” The man who is called Harper shouts, pointing at Merlin accusingly. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

More people stumble into the clearing, two men, then a man and a woman. All of them have beers in their hand, one even carries a half-empty pack on his shoulder. The girl is clinging to the last man, giggling uncontrollably. All of them seem drunk.

“I-” Merlin’s tongue is stuck to his mouth, heart still thudding in surprise. His limbs remain frozen. He has no idea who they all are. He’s never seen them before, and he knows the kids from school.

“What in the ever loving fuck!” The man with the beer pack spots him, jumps and promptly drops it. The girl collapses into laughter.

“Exactly!” Harper shouts.

“Morgan, you didn’t tell us your town had a lake!”

“I didn’t fucking know-”

“Fuck it’s the School Witch!” The third one hoots, and Merlin’s blood freezes. He recognizes him. He’s seen him in the halls. “What are you doing here, you freak?”

“The what?” The last man asks.

“He’s the school weirdo. He freaks everybody out and no wonder, fucking look at him.”

“You’re not wearing any shoes!” The girl squeals. “Where are your clothes, you’re going to catch your death.”

“Bet he doesn’t even need them, freak of nature that he is. What, were you doing some bloody ritual here or some such, raising some demon from the underworld?”

“Stop that.” The girl giggles. “That’s so mean!”

“No, trust me Deb, this one’s barmy-”

They’re all goggling at him like he’s an animal in a zoo, wide-eyed and snickering. Like he’s abnormal, like he’s some unnatural and freakish creature they want to gawp and point fingers at. 

And they’ve stolen his lake.

Beneath him, strange lights start flickering over the lake, small little bobs of lights bumping and skimming over the surface like fireflies.

“Stop it.” Merlin says in a quiet whisper that all hear. “I’m going to leave now.”

“What, noooo.” The loudest and cruelest of them steps forward. Merlin’s stomach drops. He knows those eyes. This one wants to toy with his food for pleasure, wants to sink his teeth and not let go. He’s younger than the rest, Merlin realizes. They’re not from around here, and he wants to prove himself. “We were just messing around, come over and have a beer, it’s not everyday we stumble upon a literal witch in the woods.”

Everybody laughs. “Shut up Oliver, don’t scare the poor thing.” Deb snorts.

“The poor thing nearly gave me a heart attack.” Harper mutters. “You were right Morgan, this place is fucking crazy-”

“Well, you were the one that wanted adventure-”

“I didn’t even know there was a lake here-”

“If I hand you this beer, I hope you’re not going to put a curse on me or something-”

“Don’t step any closer.” Merlin says quietly. His feet have lost all feeling. He’s so cold.

An awkward silence ensues.

Anger flames up in Oliver’s eyes. He stalks forward suddenly, making Merlin stumble back in surprise. “What are you going to do, freak-”

“Jesus Christ, give it a rest.” The man with the girl growls. “ Hey you, get lost. Oliver, get a fucking grip-”

Oliver is faster. He’s in Merlin’s space in two seconds. “You seriously give me the heebie jeebies. What if I dangle you off this rock, won’t be such an icy bitch then, will you?”

He gives Merlin a slight push and Merlin lets out a small, surprised cry as he stumbles back, followed by the cries of the others.

“What the fuck, Oliver-”

“Christ, he’s lost it-”

Oliver pushes Merlin right to the very edge of the cliff, digging his fingers into his thin sweater, pushing, pushing further, Merlin’s arms scrambling at his shoulders completely ineffective. He’s grinning. “Don’t be a fucking wuss, it’s only water. It won’t kill you-”

There is no wind but the water is moving erratically, waves crashing against the earth. Deep beneath its surface, something starts to glow.

Merlin hears the growl again.

Arms around Oliver’s throat from nowhere, pulling him back. Oliver’s expression changes into something uglier, curses fly from his mouth. Everyone is shouting but Merlin’s not listening anymore, because he sees it.

It hides behind the shadow of two trees, but it is not a shadow. Its black is darker, and it’s longer. It pulses, like a heart throbbing. It has no shape, but Merlin can see horns curling away to the sky and one eye- a small, white slit fixed on him, always.

And it waits for him.

Merlin takes the last step back himself. It never rained, he thinks as he falls. What a pity.

Merlin hits the water hard, but there is no pain. It embraces him gently;like a lover, water shockingly warm. Merlin’s eyes open, and his breath leaves him in a burst of bubbles. He forgets to struggle.Everything...everything around him is glowing bright and blue. The entire lake is shining, and all is visible. He can see the roots of tree trunks reaching deep beneath the earth. He sees tiny fishes flitting in the reeds, like flashes of gold.The light ascends from somewhere deep within and the water throbs in joy, rolling over him in merry dance. It makes him forget, and he floats in light.

Hunith, he thinks.

Suddenly, the calm of the water breaks, as another body bombs the surface. It struggles in the white foam, scattering ripples of glowing blue. Merlin frowns lazily at the disturbance.

Something is swimming towards him, and Merlin squints his eyes to see. A familiar face, and then arms, pushing desperately towards him. Oh, Merlin thinks. It’s the man, The man with the girl.

The man reaches out one arm urgently towards Merlin, hands spread, searching. Merlin, in the simple innocence of the dying, reaches back. Their fingers touch, interlock.

The Gates of Avalon swing open.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love some feedback. The Merlin Fandom is new territory for me, and I'm a bit nervous about this one.


End file.
